One year, one college degree, and one pretentious-sounding blog title later, I am making my return to the blogosphere. Ariana Huffington, Andrew Sullivan, Paul Krugman... Watch out.
Rather than bore you with the details of another year past, I'll start anew, as I once more prepare to leave the country. I'm heading back to Spain, this time to Madrid, to teach English on a Fulbright scholarship. (As before, I expect my rugged good looks, tanned olive skin, and suave Latin demeanor should make me fit in perfectly.) This will be my first time to leave the country for a full year without a return home, but I'm very excited about the opportunities that await me.
Unfortunately, however, the visa process is an enormous pain in the ass. For any stay more than 180 days (that's me!!), the applicant has to request an FBI background check. This is supposed to take 4-6 weeks. I'm now on week 7, and I called to discover that they finished it today! So the latest it will go out is... July 6th. It seems the journey to the FBI mailroom involves camels, deserts, and scimitar-wielding caravan raiders. Once it has finally completed its trek across the Sahara, it will hopefully arrive in Arkansas. Visa time!? Not a chance. Clearly, the FBI is not an international institution. Thus, I must send said background check to the State Department to receive the all-important Apostille of the Hague. This could be done in less than an hour in person, but since I have to do it via mail, it will take at least 3 weeks. Once it has finally returned to me, I can finally send in my application for the visa! Which will take 4-6 weeks. With a late August departure, that adds up to... not enough time.
So, contingency plan: ask for special treatment. This is usually a rather simple task, but Spaniards are not ones to easily fall prey to my charms. Today, I got a nice reminder of the warmth (and efficiency) of Spaniards while calling the Spanish consulate in Houston to figure out what to do. The transcript (mildly abridged and commentary added) follows:
Call #1:
Bored Recording: "Hola. Bienvenidos al consulado general de España en Houston... (blah blah blah) Para el departamento de visados, marque 1."
(I proceed to "marque 1," as the incredibly bored sounding woman on the recording continues to talk. I marque'd uno several more times. Nothing happens. I come to the conclusion that their touch tone recording does not function with my Blackberry. )
Call #2:
Bored Recording: "Hola. Bienvenidos al consulado general de España en Houston..."
(This time I press 1, and it works!! Ringing...)
Angry Man: "Cnslao dEspan"
(This man sounds not only like he has just woken from an exceedingly long siesta, but also like he is very angry at me for daring to wake him. I debate whether or not to go with English or Spanish, but given that I prefer to be absolutely certain with official things, I go with English)
Me: "Hi. I'm applying for a student visa and I was wondering if I cou..."
Angry Man: "HOLD ON"
(Ringing.... Picked up by an equally annoyed, but more alert woman)
Woman: "Yes?"
Me: "Hi. I'm applying for a student visa, and I was wondering if it would be possible to begin processing the application with just a copy of my FBI background ch...."
Woman: "No, sir. We need all originals."
Me: "Well, I'd submit the apostilled original at a later..."
Woman: "Sir, we make lots of exceptions. This is not one of them."
Me: "I know several of the other consulates.."
Woman: "Sir, each consulate makes their own decisions. We will not accept copies. Thank you."
(End of conversation)
I sit and debate for a few minutes. I decide to try again in 30 minutes, hoping to get someone different.
Call #3
Bored Recording: "Hola. Bienvenidos..." etc. etc.
(After pressing 1, it rings once more, and the same angry man answers. It seems he had fallen asleep again.)
Angry Man: "Cnslao dSpan"
(Alright. Maybe he'll like me more if I go with Spanish....)
Me: "Hola. Para el visado de estudios, tengo que prese..."
Angry Man: "HOLD ON"
(Oh joy. He recognized my voice and apparently painful stupidity. Ringing once more...)
Woman: "Can I help you?"
(Oh no. It's the same aggravated lady. Panic moment. Should I hang up?)
Woman: "Can I help you? Hello?"
(Man up, Andrew. Let's do this.)
Me: "Hi... It's me again. Sorry. I just talked to the Fulbright people (This was not true.) and they told me that I should be able to begin processing with just the copy of the background check while I get the Apostille for the real document."
Woman (sounding particularly peeved at my insolence): "Well I have no idea why they'd say that, since it is the choice of each consulate, and they have no say in the matter."
Me (sounding as pathetic American as possible): "I'm sorry. I understand. It's just that, the FBI has been taking even longer than they said, and I had a trip scheduled to get the Apostille in DC, but it just didn't arrive in time... I'll send the original as soon as I get it!"
Woman (royally pissed): "Well... I understand that these do take a long time. I suppose I could make an exception. As long as you include a note saying that the original is on its way......"
Me (feeling victorious, but trying to suppress it): "Thank you SO MUCH"
Woman (curt): "You're welcome. Goodbye."
(End call)
VICTORY!!!!!
A short video that demonstrates my pain....
Rather than bore you with the details of another year past, I'll start anew, as I once more prepare to leave the country. I'm heading back to Spain, this time to Madrid, to teach English on a Fulbright scholarship. (As before, I expect my rugged good looks, tanned olive skin, and suave Latin demeanor should make me fit in perfectly.) This will be my first time to leave the country for a full year without a return home, but I'm very excited about the opportunities that await me.
Unfortunately, however, the visa process is an enormous pain in the ass. For any stay more than 180 days (that's me!!), the applicant has to request an FBI background check. This is supposed to take 4-6 weeks. I'm now on week 7, and I called to discover that they finished it today! So the latest it will go out is... July 6th. It seems the journey to the FBI mailroom involves camels, deserts, and scimitar-wielding caravan raiders. Once it has finally completed its trek across the Sahara, it will hopefully arrive in Arkansas. Visa time!? Not a chance. Clearly, the FBI is not an international institution. Thus, I must send said background check to the State Department to receive the all-important Apostille of the Hague. This could be done in less than an hour in person, but since I have to do it via mail, it will take at least 3 weeks. Once it has finally returned to me, I can finally send in my application for the visa! Which will take 4-6 weeks. With a late August departure, that adds up to... not enough time.
So, contingency plan: ask for special treatment. This is usually a rather simple task, but Spaniards are not ones to easily fall prey to my charms. Today, I got a nice reminder of the warmth (and efficiency) of Spaniards while calling the Spanish consulate in Houston to figure out what to do. The transcript (mildly abridged and commentary added) follows:
Call #1:
Bored Recording: "Hola. Bienvenidos al consulado general de España en Houston... (blah blah blah) Para el departamento de visados, marque 1."
(I proceed to "marque 1," as the incredibly bored sounding woman on the recording continues to talk. I marque'd uno several more times. Nothing happens. I come to the conclusion that their touch tone recording does not function with my Blackberry. )
Call #2:
Bored Recording: "Hola. Bienvenidos al consulado general de España en Houston..."
(This time I press 1, and it works!! Ringing...)
Angry Man: "Cnslao dEspan"
(This man sounds not only like he has just woken from an exceedingly long siesta, but also like he is very angry at me for daring to wake him. I debate whether or not to go with English or Spanish, but given that I prefer to be absolutely certain with official things, I go with English)
Me: "Hi. I'm applying for a student visa and I was wondering if I cou..."
Angry Man: "HOLD ON"
(Ringing.... Picked up by an equally annoyed, but more alert woman)
Woman: "Yes?"
Me: "Hi. I'm applying for a student visa, and I was wondering if it would be possible to begin processing the application with just a copy of my FBI background ch...."
Woman: "No, sir. We need all originals."
Me: "Well, I'd submit the apostilled original at a later..."
Woman: "Sir, we make lots of exceptions. This is not one of them."
Me: "I know several of the other consulates.."
Woman: "Sir, each consulate makes their own decisions. We will not accept copies. Thank you."
(End of conversation)
I sit and debate for a few minutes. I decide to try again in 30 minutes, hoping to get someone different.
Call #3
Bored Recording: "Hola. Bienvenidos..." etc. etc.
(After pressing 1, it rings once more, and the same angry man answers. It seems he had fallen asleep again.)
Angry Man: "Cnslao dSpan"
(Alright. Maybe he'll like me more if I go with Spanish....)
Me: "Hola. Para el visado de estudios, tengo que prese..."
Angry Man: "HOLD ON"
(Oh joy. He recognized my voice and apparently painful stupidity. Ringing once more...)
Woman: "Can I help you?"
(Oh no. It's the same aggravated lady. Panic moment. Should I hang up?)
Woman: "Can I help you? Hello?"
(Man up, Andrew. Let's do this.)
Me: "Hi... It's me again. Sorry. I just talked to the Fulbright people (This was not true.) and they told me that I should be able to begin processing with just the copy of the background check while I get the Apostille for the real document."
Woman (sounding particularly peeved at my insolence): "Well I have no idea why they'd say that, since it is the choice of each consulate, and they have no say in the matter."
Me (sounding as pathetic American as possible): "I'm sorry. I understand. It's just that, the FBI has been taking even longer than they said, and I had a trip scheduled to get the Apostille in DC, but it just didn't arrive in time... I'll send the original as soon as I get it!"
Woman (royally pissed): "Well... I understand that these do take a long time. I suppose I could make an exception. As long as you include a note saying that the original is on its way......"
Me (feeling victorious, but trying to suppress it): "Thank you SO MUCH"
Woman (curt): "You're welcome. Goodbye."
(End call)
VICTORY!!!!!
A short video that demonstrates my pain....
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